Yoga Workshop Day 4

Day four of the workshop focused a lot on physical practice. We learned more about backbends from an old skeleton who hilariously happened to be losing some limbs during Kino’s discussion. We hoped that wouldn’t happen to us when it was our turn to try! By the end of the session, I had learned even more about a safe backbending practice that I think will help me on the road to recovery from a long-ago injury. One of the main reasons I enjoy going to workshops with different teachers is to learn little techniques that have a tremendous impact on my practice. Sometimes you can hear a few people teach the same thing, but for some reason one teacher will say it in a way that finally clicks and stays with your forever.

For anyone who isn’t lucky enough to practice at a studio with a teacher for whatever reason—and this has been me pretty often lately— here are some pieces of advice from Kino on establishing and maintaining a home practice:

• Practice at the same time every day— This will help you stay consistent and avoid potential excuses or distractions.

• Attend a public class once a month— Or, if that’s not possible, attend a workshop once a year. Try to do it with the same teacher every time so they can get to know you and your practice.

• Choose only one “project” per practice— Focus on one key thing each time you practice. For example, this could be an intention or your breath, or something physical like keeping your core engaged during forward folds.

• Guard your energy— Your practice shouldn’t leave you 100% drained and unable to do anything else for the rest of the day. It’s nice to challenge yourself, but yoga should leave you feeling empowered and energized, not completely spent. If you find yourself with too much energy after a home practice, it could be time to attend a public class to get some new ideas.

Our yoga sutra discussion was short on this day. We talked about the popular 2.46 which tells us that a yoga posture should be both strong and comfortable. Once that is achieved, we can let go of unnecessary effort and focus our attention on the infinite (2.47).

The following sutra was new to me—what should we expect to happen when we do the asanas (physical poses) correctly? Number 2.48 says that we no longer become influenced by opposites or duality. In making the asana both strong and comfortable, we balance two opposites: sthira (strength) and sukha (ease). In the same way, we begin to balance other pairs of opposites in life such as like/dislike, mine/yours, pleasure/pain, etc. We are become free to remain steady without the constant distraction of running towards what we like and away from what we don’t like. We clear up space to focus on the higher limbs of yoga— pranayama (breath work), pratyahara (sense control), meditation, and, perhaps, transcendence. Finally, we find a lasting peace that is not impacted by the ups and downs of life.

Yoga Workshop Day 3

On the third day of our workshop with Kino, things got a little more physical. We talked about the obstacles that might spring up on the path to yoga— sickness, injury, laziness, lethargy, all types of doubt, neglect, preference for sensory pleasures, losing progress, bad moods, trembling limbs, and disturbed breathing. There are so many potential obstacles that it takes two sutras to cover them (1.30 & 1.31)! Kino reminded us of some (mainly trembling limbs, doubt and disturbed breathing) when we practiced lifting our legs and butts off the ground in various arm balances. It’s definitely enough to make you wonder how we’re supposed to stay on this struggling path for the long term.

The sutras that follow offer some advice. We’re supposed to keep going by returning every day to a single-pointed meditation practice. Patanjali says that single point can be the breath or any object of attention. This led us to talking about one of my favorite and one of the most popular sutras, 1.33:

Undisturbed calmness of the mind is attained by cultivating friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and indifference toward the wicked.

Well, that’s easier said than done, especially in today’s US political climate. I know my calmness of the mind has been disturbed when I read or hear about all sides of the debate and upcoming election. Today’s sutra is a gentle reminder to maintain our peaceful attitudes toward our neighbors/friends/family members/complete strangers even when they support an opposing viewpoint from us or act differently than we do. The best way to get someone to hear your opinion is not to tell someone that theirs is stupid or wrong—surprise! If you’re living your best, most peaceful, yogic way, attitude and actions always speak louder than words.

Healing

Reflecting back on the last few months has few months has me thinking: I’ve been meditating and chanting Hindu mantras, hanging out with Italian guys and eating delicious food in Sydney, and now exploring alternative healing practices in Bali… have I turned into Elizabeth Gilbert yet?? I was really wondering that on Monday when I went to see a traditional Balinese healer named Mr. Ketut.

Note: Half the men in Bali seem to be named Ketut, and Gilbert’s friend passed away a few years ago, so I can confirm that it was not the same healer from Eat, Pray, Love.

I wasn’t visiting the healer for any specific reason, apart from some minor aches and pains. But I was curious to see what the experience would be like, and I had been feeling a bit lethargic from all the physical resting I had done during January. I did some research and found that I didn’t want to go to the fancy spa/resorts that had good reviews because too expensive or to a non-Balinese person because also too expensive and I can do that in America. After reading carefully, I wound up at a place (Ubud Chakra Healing) with fewer reviews but a positive reputation. It was on the Monkey Forest Road across from the soccer fields in the back of a shop. I stopped by to make the appointment a couple days in advance and didn’t provide any other information.

When the day arrived, I wasn’t sure what to wear, so I wore my yoga pants and a tank top (I read that you’re supposed to dress modestly, but that’s all I had). I waited for a few minutes on the patio outside a family’s home and the young receptionist told me her father would be there soon. When the smiling and peaceful-looking healer arrived, we went upstairs to a room with a typical massage table and peaceful mantra music playing. I laid face up in my street clothes—beforehand I wasn’t sure if they’d give me something to change into.

He didn’t ask any advance questions about how I was feeling or why I was there, which I think is the way it should go. They say that during energy healing, the healer acts as a channel for the source energy to pass through. Their hands are supposedly guided to the places that need attention, and I think that sharing too much information might sway the healer to focus on those areas rather than letting the energy work naturally.

I closed my eyes and the healer held his hands over my head and face. He worked from my head down to my feet and back up, then instructed me to turn over for the other side. Sometimes he would gently press on a certain area or simply hold his hands over me. I read some reviews that Balinese healing sessions can be painful with a lot of kneading and pressing, but this session was very gentle with only light pressure—typically in Reiki and energy healing there is not a lot of massage or touching. I felt the most activity in my head. When Mr. Ketut pressed on my sinus area I felt a tingling sensation that lasted after the session. When he pressed his fingers above my eyebrows I could see in my mind’s eye a lot of light, almost like a strobe light or series of flashes that felt very intense. I could be wrong, but he seemed to spend extra time on my left knee, which has been giving me some trouble lately.

The whole process took about an hour and cost $40 USD (just sharing the details in case anyone reads this and is curious to try). Afterwards we sat and he asked how I was feeling. I told him I could still feel a bit of pressure and a pulsing sensation (not unpleasant) in my face and head. He didn’t speak much English, but he told me he felt some blocks in my heart area that he tried to work on. I was expecting some more revelations, but that’s all he told me. We sat for about five minutes so that I could drink water and let everything settle. I left the session feeling lighter and energized, and over the following week I have felt more energized, confident, and content.

The healer asked if I practice yoga and said that he could tell, because most people who come to see him already have a yoga or meditation practice. In my opinion, that’s a little bit of a shame because I think that all types of people can benefit from alternative healing methods. But of course there will always be some disbelievers or those who are less inclined to try.

You’ll see this crazy monkey statue at the corner of the soccer field on Monkey Forest Road

In yoga teaching these days, offering physical adjustments has become controversial—and with good reason, after we’ve seen many cases of longtime abuse being exposed. But I hope that, as teachers, we’ll continue to offer adjustments with consent, because even if you don’t believe in the energy work, there is something incredible about the healing power of touch. And I hope to live in a world where we aren’t afraid to reach out and touch someone— in a kind and mutually-agreed upon way, of course.

Yoga Workshop Day 2

I started taking yoga classes when I was 19 or 20. I was in college and it was just for fun. I remember learning from an older guy named Bill at the University of Delaware gym. My friend Annie and I would go and try to contain our laughter while he instructed us in partner poses and I would, more often than not, fall asleep in savasana. It felt relaxing and silly and like a perfectly lighthearted introduction to yoga.

The next year I started going more regularly. First two or three days a week, which eventually built up to five days. It started with Hatha yoga, where I learned slow movement, breath, and extended holds. I ventured outside the school gym to a studio down the street to learn Bikram. I liked how the heated room opened up my muscles that were tight from working out and playing volleyball. But I grew bored of repeating the same 26 poses every day. When I traveled to New York on breaks, I found a favorite studio and teacher back home. She was a former dancer who blended the foundations of yoga with creative sequencing. I fell in love with the fluid movement of vinyasa.

When I moved to Austin in 2013, I found that I could have it all. I joined a Bikram-based studio near my apartment that also offered other styles. Yoga gave me a feeling of home and sense of community in a new city. It was the same year that ClassPass started, and in the beginning an unlimited package of classes was unbelievably affordable. I tried just about every yoga studio in the city. I found my favorites (still BFree, Dharma, and Practice) and learned more and more. The quality of teachers and variety of classes made it easy for me to go every day, sometimes more than once a day.

I completed my first teacher training at Dharma and began teaching wherever I could. My long-time boyfriend abruptly ended our relationship and I cried in a lot of classes, seeking peace on the mat. By early 2018 during my last weeks in Austin, I was work-trading at BFree in exchange for a membership and taking two or three classes every day. My practice felt stronger than ever, and I was teaching two or three times a week.

Flash forward to Los Angeles, I was in deep. I completed my 500-hour advanced teacher training with YogaWorks and taught 10-15 classes a week. Keep in mind that 10-15 classes weekly isn’t even a full-time yoga teaching schedule for a new-ish/non-famous teacher—many teach up to 25! I was working other jobs as well. I was so grateful for the opportunity to teach and to learn from my mentor, Heather Seiniger, along with some other wonderful teachers in LA, but by the end of it all, I felt burnt out in my mind and worn out in my body.

In this week’s workshop with Kino MacGregor, we’ve been discussing the Yoga Sutras. These 196 sutras, or truths/statements, explain the basis of the philosophy of yoga. Historically, a person in India would have to memorize them all (!!!) in order to demonstrate that they were ready to begin the practice of yoga. Now, every teacher training covers them, but we’re only required to memorize about 3-5. I’m enjoying studying them more deeply with Kino because she has a deep knowledge of sanskrit, so we go through each word and break down the translation. I love learning languages, and it helps me to understand the full meaning when I can see the roots in a word.

On day two of the workshop, we talked about Sutra 1.14, which tells us the three necessary qualities of a yoga practice:

Practice becomes firmly established when it has been cultivated uninterruptedly and with devotion over a prolonged period of time.

Kino explained further that a solid yoga practice contains three elements:

1. For a long time- A “long time” can mean different things, but in this case it’s one human lifetime. No biggie.

2. Uninterrupted- Kino says six days a week for at least five minutes a day.

3. With devotion- Your intention matters. Why are you on the mat? Why are you practicing?

2019 was the first time that I took any significant breaks from taking yoga classes. During months that I was working and teaching a lot, I sometimes couldn’t find the motivation to drive to a class or do a whole video sequence. When I moved to Sydney, I got back on the horse and began a physically intense Ashtanga practice, but by the end of the year I found that pushing through old injuries and being so hard on my body was catching up to me. I needed to rest.

January 2020 has seen a slow start for my yoga. I haven’t taught a class since October, and my daily practice has often been rolling around on the floor or seated meditation. My mind doesn’t know what to do. Is the rest appropriate, or am I being lazy? Is Ashtanga not right for me, or have I been doing it wrong? Am I still a teacher if I take a break? What should my practice look like now?

This month I’ve been seeking out the answers. The love and devotion is still in my heart, but there has definitely been some interruption. I’m glad Kino mentioned that 5 minutes a day is enough, because that’s about all I’ve been able to muster so far this year. She also told us that it’s important to take a sabbatical from teaching every few years, and I’ve certainly appreciated that. Since October, I’ve been able to be a regular student from some of the best teachers in the world, and now I feel lit on fire, eager to share all I’ve learned. (starting in El Salvador next month!)

I’m also ready to return to a more balanced practice. This week in Bali has felt incredibly healing—thanks to breath work, chakra balancing, massage, and trauma release (I’m spoiled. I know)— and I miss the sweat and power of using my muscles within their limits. I don’t think I’ll go back to taking three classes a day while demonstrating poses alongside my students. But after a sweet period of recovery, it feels right to continue my yoga practice for the rest of this one human lifetime.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. <3

Namaste.

Expanding Expectations

The last time I came to Ubud I stayed a little outside the center in the most wonderful hotel. This time I wanted to be close to the yoga studio, so I’m in a guest house very close to Ubud market. I was nervous about staying so close to the main street—because it’s really busy and crowded with foot and road traffic—but the house is actually tucked away from the craziness of the center. I’ve been waking up each morning to the sounds of roosters crowing down the street. Then I step out onto the patio to enjoy a breakfast of what has been pancakes every day so far and might continue to be pancakes every day that I’m here.

There is a lot more to Ubud than meets the eye. The obvious place to start is the main road where you can find the market, Ubud Palace, and the Saraswati temple. But if those are your only tastes of the city, you might leave underwhelmed. The magic is out in the rice fields with views of volcanoes and banana trees. And in the little side streets with local people living their regular lives, nearby waterfalls, Indonesian warungs (restaurants), and healthy new-age healing spots.

Simply being in Bali is healing on its own. However, during this visit I’m also opening up to trying some “out-there” healing methods. After the workshop on day one, I stayed for the next class on “Deep Psoas Release Exercises” and spent the hour and a half fatiguing my hip flexors to then allow them to shake uncontrollably in order to release whatever needed to be released in there. It was astonishing to feel how much they would shake and how the shaking would travel through my body—into the back of the legs and all the way up into the abdomen. The teacher was a mystical woman who had a safe and calming energy. When I saw that she was leading a “Breath Work Trauma Release” class the next day, I decided to return… to be continued…

Pro-Aging

Hi Tuesday, here we are! I’ve probably told you a bunch of times by now, but the way I learned meditation and started a consistent practice was by using the 21-Day Meditation Experience with Oprah and Deepak. I love it and continue to use it because each session offers a brief opening talk, followed by 10-12 minutes of silent meditation. This month the talks discuss the secrets to maintaining a youthful spirit as we age. The topic seems unnecessary for me since dozens of people in the past week have said that I look 19 or younger. Great! I do think it is slightly rude of them to always be commenting on my young and innocent appearance because I would never tell anyone else how old I think they look. But I’m out here, still getting carded at the bar and for R-rated movies.

Nonetheless, I have been learning a lot from Deepak’s opening lectures about cultivating abundant energy and lifelong youth. I do believe it’s within all of our grasps. Here are seven tools that Deepak says are helping people age with grace:

1. Meditation

2. Social Support System

3. Close Emotional Ties with Family & Friends

4. Multivitamins & Minerals

5. Good Sleep & Daily Activity

6. Lifelong Curiosity

7. Willingness to Undertake New Challenges

Manifested Month

I'm happy to tell you that over the past year, basically since going on Echo's yoga retreat in Thailand, I have been able to stick to a daily meditation practice. I've found that it has been immensely helpful in staying connected to my spirit and my intentions and being more mindful throughout the day. Every morning, I wake up and sit for 10-15 minutes as I focus on my breath or a mantra. Sometimes my mind wanders, but lately it's gotten much easier to keep my head clear. 

I've probably told you before, but one of my favorite meditation tools has been the 21-Day Meditation Experience with Oprah and Deepak. I think it's helpful for anyone who is new to mediation, and I love the balance of Oprah's personal stories and Deepak's spiritual wisdom. Even if it's hard for you to stay focused during the ~12 minute mediation section, there are usually 10 minutes in the beginning where you'll learn something important. 

This month's theme focused on the Law of Attraction and what it takes to turn our desires into reality. It felt aligned to my own purpose, because this year I've been seeing more and more of my visions come into being. I remember one of Oprah's stories about growing up in poverty, but choosing to spend her time walking around well-off neighborhoods. She dreamed of living in a house with trees in the backyard, and later as an adult she realized that her own backyard matched what she'd once envisioned.

I particularly noticed happenings like this in my own life when I spent last month living a mile from the beach in Santa Monica. Here are my best tips (really Oprah's best tips) for creating a life that aligns with your dreams:

1. Get clear about what you want: This one is hard for me! I wasn't so sure about exactly what I wanted. I only knew more yoga and more ocean time would be nice. I'm not a great example of this, but bring some clarity to your goals.

2. Visualize yourself where you want to be: When we're manifesting, setting goals, or whatever you want to call it, it's important to really believe that it could happen for you. No problem; imagining life as a yoga beach babe is easy for me! I added some extra oomf with pictures on my vision board: the ocean and a bungalow near the beach.

3. Act as if you've already obtained your desires: Get as close to living out your desires as you can. My first months in LA, I spent a ton of time in Santa Monica. Most of the time, it wasn't intentional. I'd just take a yoga class there and spend the evening waiting out traffic. I have a feeling that spending so much time there made it easy to end up back again. 

4. Don't give up: Sometimes it can take years for our deepest desires to pan out. Sometimes it takes a lot of shaking up to make space for them. Sometimes they show up differently than we ever expected. In June, I had basically given up hope on subletting a place for the next month-- I resigned myself to the ~3 hours of driving back and forth from yoga training. Then I decided to check Craigslist "one last time" and found exactly what I was looking for.

Even if you don't believe in magical manifestations or think the law of attraction is a whole bunch of nonsense, it can be exciting and empowering to set goals (small or large!) for yourself and work your way there. Hope your life is growing closer and closer to all that you've dreamed!

*If you're feeling the call towards a Thai yoga retreat this year, Echo & Cole are going back so check it out!

Right Places, Right Times

Sometimes circumstances come together in such a way that it makes it impossible for you to doubt any of the steps you've taken to get to the point upon which you're standing in that exact moment. That's how I felt a couple weeks ago when I drove up into the mountains of Malibu for an Earth Day yoga weekend with my friend/teacher/mentor/inspirational goddess, La Mer.

I met Meredith three years ago in Austin through a web of mutual friends and wild women who were drawn to yoga and healing. My friend Beth had asked if I would like to come to a ladies' day of yoga, meditation, and honoring the divine feminine. I was practicing physical yoga regularly; I hadn't gotten into teaching or much of the spiritual side yet, but, yes, of course I would like to participate in a day of ritual practice with flowy women like me. We went to Lauren's house, which was still under construction at the time, but already filling up with cozy magic (and bulldogs). We spent the day moving mindfully, exploring our inner selves, and listening to the rhythm of the rain on the roof. It was one of my first experiences with any type of yoga retreat, sound baths, energy healing, and bringing women together to talk about our femininity in a spiritually attuned way.

Mer came back to Austin seasonally over the next few years. I got a taste of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter practices and rituals to follow the cycle of a year. I experienced different cycles within myself, too. On that first rainy afternoon in the attic, I asked for guidance growing up. I wanted to step into my role as a woman, but still maintain the childish playfulness that feels like a big part of who I am. In the following sessions, I alternated between feeling enchanted, collapsing into tears about loss and uncertainty, and slowly gaining the confidence to share my voice. I became a teacher and began attempting (I'm still attempting...) to create the safe, open spaces for growth that Mer and all my teachers have provided for me.

In April, Lauren sent out her usual invite that Mer would be coming back to Austin for a Spring women's workshop. I replied that I was disappointed to miss this round, but I knew that Mer lived in LA so I could find her at one of her weekly classes. To my delight, Mer wrote back to me that she would be offering her first retreat in nearby Malibu later that month. I immediately signed up.

The weekend started with a crawl up into the mountains of Malibu-- I hadn't even known you could go up there!-- to a hillside chateau with the most gorgeous view. I tried not to think of leaving on Sunday and imagined that it would be my home for now and forever. That night, we claimed the space and set our intentions for the weekend. We drew from a deck of goddess cards. I was lead to choose the Mother of Seas, a symbol that offered to help me trust my innate knowledge and claim my role as a healer. I was surprised that Mer remembered my request from our session years ago. I had knelt in the attic in Texas asking to grow up while staying in touch with my inner child, and now in California, in full view of the sea, I drew the mother, a nurturing guide with the wisdom to protect and to teach.

We spent the rest of the weekend exploring deeper meditation practices and bowing in reverence to our Mother Earth. The six of us formed an intimate group. We were all different-- single ladies charting their paths, mothers reclaiming their bodies, divorcees finding their way back to themselves-- and we were all the same-- lovers of the planet we inhabit and women on a mission to hear our voices ring pure in the world. I had something to learn from all these ladies and the experiences they brought to our altar. I was especially grateful to meet an assortment of ages; most of us were in our 20's-30's, but one older yogini shared the irreplaceable wisdom and humor of her years.

We hiked around the property, sang and danced harmoniously (debatable) with hand-painted squash shakers, and capped off each evening with a restful meditation to the sounds of crystal bowls. Our weekend culminated on Sunday when we kayaked out to sea. I'd never been ocean kayaking before, and I am pretty remedial with still-water kayaking, so getting the boat out past the break proved challenging for me. We toppled over a few times and scratched up our legs a bit, but eventually I was able to push our boat onto a more stable surface and flounder aboard. It was such a relief to glide gracefully over the the waves. I worried about making it back to shore, but, when the time was right, the sea guided us gently back in.

What a weekend. I am learning to trust the flow within me and all around me. I know that with all these strong women to guide and support me, I'll always end up in the right place.

On the Zipline

During this trip to Central America, I made the tough and boring decision not to go ziplining. For me, it was one of the more expensive activities, and I had already done it a couple of times before in Mexico and Costa Rica. We took a day tour on Ometepe Island, where our hostel owner drove us around to stop at different sights to see, one of which was a ziplining course because Andrea, my newfound travel companion, had her heart set on soaring through the canopies.

It was hard to resist saddling into the harness once we were at the sign-in booth, but the guides told us we could all hike up to the first platform together to check out the views from the top. Even though we were walking up the steep sides of a volcano, hiking felt so refreshing after a few days of traveling and typical holiday overindulgence. As we climbed higher, I could feel the crisp air invigorating my lungs as my body worked toward a physical goal.

Once we slowed to a stop at the lookout point, my racing heart and the awesome view reminded me that I could enjoy hiking just as much as ziplining. I could find these same sensations while kayaking, jumping off a rope swing at a swimming pool, or simply on a brisk walk through the woods. Our bodies crave movement, and almost any activity can provide an adrenaline rush if your brain is fully attuned to what you're doing. You can even find a sense of awe in the changes of your heartbeat and the rhythm of your breath. Of course, there are some adventure sports that seem unmatched in their sense of excitement, but a lot of the time, our level of attention is what makes the difference.

A Silent Stay

While in Bali, I had the chance to fulfill an interest that has been sparking my curiosity for a long time by spending a night at a silent retreat. While I don't think I stayed quite long enough to fully experience the plentiful benefits of time spent in silence, the retreat center provided a brief glimpse of all that can be gained from being alone with yourself in such a peaceful place.

Before my arrival, I was nervous. I had received recommendations, but I didn't think I would have enough time to go since I was (very sadly) only in Bali for four days and the retreat center is about an hour and a half outside of Ubud. Then it just so happened that I ended up with a free night and didn't have anywhere else scheduled to stay so I checked for openings and, after finding a few, made a reservation.

I wasn't sure when the silence would start. Would the van driver talk to me after picking me up? Would reception just hand me a bag and a list of instructions? How would I make travel arrangements to come back to the next day? All my concerns abated when I arrived to find the most cheerful and talkative Balinese woman waiting to check me in and show me around. The reception hut was an open talking zone, and she still toured me around the grounds in whispers after we had passed the white flags that started the zone of silence on the property.

My first surprise was at how much there was to do. There were five hours of guided yoga and meditation classes offered each day-- 2.5 in the morning and another 2.5 at night. Around the retreat center there were also many opportunities for more solitary mediation which could take place under a waterfall, in a labyrinth walking maze, or on a jungle trek through the woods. There was full library in the lounge and three mealtimes provided tasty, vegetarian, and organic buffets. There were lectures on green living, and frequent field trips where you could talk to the other guests. It was a light and delicious introduction to the more serious vipassana or ashram experience.

The second surprise was that dinner was set out between 4:30 and 6pm, right after the afternoon round of yoga and meditation. On the first day, I had to do some extra fast-paced jungle trekking to be ready for a meal at that time, but it helped to get into the habit of eating less and resisting the urge to try everything on the table... for the most part. It was a little uncomfortable to be around the other visitors without greeting anyone, but most people shared smiles and held doors for each other. Some even broke the rules a bit to mouth a "thank you".

The final surprise helped make sense of why dinner was so early. Since the retreat center runs efficiently on solar power, the lights in the main buildings turn off around 7, and most of my dorm mates were turning off their bed lamps to go to sleep at 8. It's a wonder how quickly our bodies adapt to the rhythm of nature when we don't have electronics to disrupt or entertain. I lay awake that night for a while listening to all the sounds outside, but eventually fell asleep feeling blessed to be in such a beautiful place.

Why I Came to Thailand, Pt. 2

Before embarking on this trip, it was hard for me to answer when my friends and family asked why I was coming to Thailand for a yoga retreat. There were many reasons that I was unable to briefly summarize into a single response. I'd never been to Asia before. I felt called here because of my prior connection with Echo. I had seen friends traveling to Thailand and Bali (and posting photos of jungles and monkeys), and I was envious of their escapades. I wanted to be around people who were living creative, non-conventional lives and learn from them. But mostly, I thought, I liked practicing yoga, and Thailand seemed like an interesting location in which to do it.

On the first night of the retreat, we meditated together, and then took a moment to write down our intentions for the remainder of our time together. Why did I come here? What was I hoping to get out of this? I thought my answer would be a little more hands-off. Yoga and Thailand. Yoga in Thailand. Did I really need to say more? Throughout my journey, I've done this kind of thing many times—set intentions for the practice, notice how my body folds into various shapes, share meditative experiences with strangers and see how in a day they become close friends. Even when people cry or reveal hopelessly frustrated dark nights of the soul, I'm not surprised because my mind has been there, too. When it comes to journaling and holding hands in circles, I'm an old pro.

But on that first night of focus, preparing for a week of what I hoped would provide clarity and a light on the path to bliss, my mind's eye revealed something more. I always like to pretend that I'm an expert at things, exceedingly nervous to show flaws in whatever I'm meant to be knowledgable about. Yoga, meditation, travel—no big deal for me! I'm a teacher! I've been to 30 countries! However, during meditation that night, after a week of flying over countries and oceans, carrying heavy backpacks, and taking in so much of the external world, it felt so welcoming to return to my mat. Even though I was a full twelve hours time difference from where I normally live, I was grounded. I was home.

As I sat there trying to settle on an intention or a reason to write on my little slip of paper, I could finally see the childlike part of me that was kneeling in the presence of these timeless teachings, patiently and earnestly hoping to see and learn. I didn't need to try to sound cool, experienced, or knowledgeable with a load of classes, workshops, and explorations under my belt. I'm here because there's so much that I haven't seen and so much that I don't know. I saw clearly the innocence in me of someone who never feels like an expert, who has found that the road to self-discovery is as challenging as it is rewarding. My intention in that moment, which remains with me as I write this now, is to hold onto that vision of myself, and to recognize it in everyone around me. I want to realize the unblemished wonder with which we are all encountering this world, and look past any disguises, fancy language, or walls that get in the way. And then, of course, to see some monkeys, too.

Namaste.